Somewhere between totally tapped out and Today I choose violence

I have thought about writing a lot since last year.  I have not been moved to do so.  So instead I've just been watching and observing people.  And to be fair, I've been living my life when possible.  I'm incredibly close to watching a fourth cohort of graduate students step out of our protection and into the world as our colleagues.  I celebrated a birthday all year which was absolutely amazing.  You have seen some of those things if you know me in real life.  I was able to go to South Africa this year and live my best concert life while planning something amazing with my niece as she steps into the next phase of her adulthood.  Those things kept me distracted enough that I could be quiet some days when I wanted to scream or as I watched people make decisions that didn't seem grounded in any form of logic while running the potential of causing harm and loss.  That's where I've been sitting as wave after wave of new stupid kept creeping up on me until we arrive at this morning and my brain couldn't stop my fingers from finding the keyboard.

I think I've been quiet because I was exhausted as I mentioned in my last post but also because I didn't have the fortitude in that moment to live my best life and deal with the perpetual assault on Black women and Black womanhood.  The litany of things we've been blamed for over the last two years is intriguing, largely invalid, and if we ingest it too much it is highly dehumanizing.  I've chosen whenever possible to celebrate us, quietly if needed, because no one else seems to be ready to do so.  And before anyone asks why I can't celebrate everyone or all women, I generally celebrate everyone.  Someone else winning rarely takes away from me winning too.  However, and it's a big however, the only people I see regularly celebrating Black women are OTHER Black women.  Black men sometimes see us as competition or are swearing we are trying to make them look bad when we thrive.

That could be in small part what is causing so many of them to look the other way when violence is directed towards us.  A number of intelligent, accomplished Black women have been murdered during the time I have not been posting.  By established partners, by new partners, by partners they are trying to leave, and with each new case it hollows out a piece of me that so many non Black women have no words of grace to give those victims.  Lots of think pieces and excuses about why the men "just snapped" and "couldn't handle" the end of the relationship.  Women chose the bear because they knew men aren't always safe.  Black women get to contend with that information and the knowledge that if something happens to them at the hands of one of those unsafe men, they will be forgotten about pretty quickly.  On average we are six times more likely to be killed than white women are.  Those numbers are worse when you look at states where racial population gaps exist. In just this month all of these women have been killed by a partner: Dr. Cerina Fairfax. Pastor Tammy McCollum. Vice Mayor Nancy Metayer. Ashley Robinson. Qualeshia Barnes. Davonta Curtis. Barbara Deer. Ashanti Allen.  More than likely you have heard of none of them unless you are a Black woman.  That's a problem for another day but it's still a problem.  

The other problem is more deeply rooted and an in house situation as it were.  I've been talking about this since at least the early 2000s and it hasn't gotten better.  Dr. Fairfax was murdered by her estranged husband sometime after he was served with divorce papers.  He then killed himself.  I have heard more about his mental health struggles and the intervention that didn't work, his fraternity standing, and all out effusiveness surrounding his character than I heard about his victims.  I say victims because he ended his wife's life and left her to be found by their children.  They want us to give sympathy or empathy or understanding to a murderer because he couldn't accept the end of his marriage and made a bad decision.  I don't have any more grace to extend to anyone who sees my life and those of women that share my heritage as an expendable loss in pursuit of protecting the patriarchy.  I don't have it for anyone that means my community or the folks I care about ill will.  And I don't understand why Black women in particular are routinely asked for grace in the same breath they are asked for more labor.  Don't have it y'all.  I just don't right now.  

Moments like this remind me of the Black scholars who have stated that Black womanhood is so devalued in this country that it really isn't appreciated.  People mimic our culture and looks while denigrating us for how we appear in the world naturally.  People say ignorant things like my spirit animal is a sassy Black woman or they grew up poor so they know what's like to be Black and because I need to pay bills I have to walk away.  If I don't, then I'm aggressive, violent, can't take a joke and run the risk of injuring someone else's feels--not feelings.  If I legitimately cause harm, I will apologize.  Now those weaponized moments in which your friendship with a non Black person overrides common sense and what you know of the Black person being accused.  I'm not fighting those battles anymore either so if I look disinterested it's because I am.  I'd love to say I believe there's a time in which Black women will be valued and protected but nearly 250 years of America has told me that belief would be wasted energy with no hope for return on investment.  If the person who has chosen to spend their lives with me or get to know me is allowed to kill me mostly without rebuke and I can neither defend myself nor argue that I need protection then there's no reason to get my hopes up.  

If you take anything from this screed, pay more attention to how the murders of Black women are framed, try to help Black women when they are trying to get out of a bad situation, DO NOT participate in the gaslighting of Black women, and do your own heavy lifting for a bit longer.